My Brother's Response To My Mom Tonight.

Through text messages.

"Wow LOL you're fucking hilarious you're truly more pathetic petty and psycho than I ever imagined how long 11 trying to tell you that Shelby and I am pregnant and it is too big of a bitch to let me fucking talk to you you are definitelyOne to be pointing the finger and knocking parenting skills ha ha Ha ha ha what a fucking jokeall you do is talk shit and run your fucking mouth and are so fucking delirious let you make up while that's crazy shit I think that you purposely make these insane text that make you look so perfectand make me look like the devil and then purposely forget to delete them leaving them on your phone for Emma to read since you always let her have your phone and how I treat her so so bad is by giving her a little discipline and trying to instill some work ethic and make her and that you positively influence either of us past present or future at any point you fucking can't and you keep doing your best to ruin me and fuck me up in the headand try to drive me crazy And drive me to drugs even more than you already have with all your bullshit you talk to me and tell your friends about me but worst of all are all the fucking lies that you tell Emma so fuck you for that you're a total worthless good for nothing grandparent but why should I expectany different from you as a grandparent then how you were as a parent so get your head out your ass and realize that shit and I didn't turn out the way we did because you were a good fucking mother so do you prevent more more for the shit you talk about me and to me and said a fucking helping me

and I'm glad that you put your money manager a fucking super expensive house in Gig Harbor and let him live there for free but your bitch ass wants to kick me out and my pregnant girlfriend out and my daughter out because I am permanently crippled thanks to you not suing the doctor after you fuck me up I havenothing I would have a fat bankroll right now if you weren't such a chickenshit and what up taking them to court so thank you for that for ruining my life and ensuring that this is what I've become and thank you for letting them prescribe me so many fucking pain pills that I got currently addicted to them and for letting me take them as a fucking adolescentso keep your shit talking to herself or just as you're rude to me I will ruin you and it will be much easier for me to do so so hopefully you gone there with Richard in your fucking nice big house while me and Shelby who's pregnant with your grandchild soup in a fucking car you evil bitchquit fucking telling bullshit lies, and stop making shit up to make her upset with me and happy with you so you can weasel your way into having a second chance at being a decent parent I hate you

you truly are an evil fucking bitch and I'm so glad that money means more to you than your family you sure take after your dad a lot I mean a carbon copy down here so who do I need to worry about Emma around them againyou're such a two face chickenshit smiling everface and stab in the back with your evil words and your Sharp tongue. Smile in everybody's face and stabbing him in the back and talking hellish it about them everybody that I can think of you talk hellish it about when you're not around but when there are you're to be a coward to speak your opinion and your Catapillar ass actually cool with themso quit counting on me to do everything for you and quit blaming me for all the problems are you having grow the fuck up you act like a fucking pathetic six-year-old child just because bad things happen to you when your kid doesn't mean you can take it out on me so you're the worst I could possibly imagine

Here you go tape and I want your bullshit fucking messages will you ever just quit being a shit talking fuck is out of nowhere you keep sending me all these fucking bullshit messages I'm sorry I discipline my daughter and I'm sorry I try to get her to do things that we ask and provide consequences if she fails because we know exactly how youparenthood me and Shane so what kind of pathetic loser buys a complete stranger expensive house in Gig Harbor to live in for 10 years rent free but kicks her own kids and granddaughter and future daughter-in-law and future Grankid onto the streets to live in a car what's wrong with this pictureif you're that pathetic for some leaven I will gladly go and buy you a dildo so you can fuck yourself and by strangers houses and kick your kid and your grandkids on the fucking street so once that happens good riddance

and you're so fucking stupid and pathetic that you think your old ass who can't even take care of yourself or your dogs alone you're in animate house how do you think you can steal him from me and take care of your intentions and eat you send her back up here to me and him she needs anything you Send her back to me n the only thing that you can do for her is buy her shit that she doesn't need like those fake glasses that were fucking up her eyes great job and high heels that she turned her ankle and sprained her fucking foot in that I specifically said she can't have. You should be ashamed of yourself because I know that we sure are you should be disappointed in the person that you've become you should be embarrassed in the way that you parenthood me and now continue to grant me and grandparent Emma you should be regretful that your current actions lead to your future not having your grandkids around. So see anyone can bump their gums run their mouse and talking bunch of shit so fuck off if you continue to be the way that you are and you wonder why I hate you will try reading over the last 30 text messages that you sent me fucker

I mean fuck what you've done to me and the shitty addict that you molded me into fuck what you doing to Shane poor guy is so  unconfident embarrassed and ashamed with the person you turned him into but look what you're doing to Emma how she thinks she has to follow no rules. That she has no consequences she's becoming extremely selfish and lacking care and compassion and concern is funny she acts this way every time she comes back from your house you talk shit about dad and Kiersten how they parentwell it's reminiscent of my insurance childhood at least they do things with their kids and treat them nice and don't just buy them shit and brainwash them and drive them you really are something else and I'm ashamed of my mom and grandma and not to mention how shitty you treated dad and totally set him up and painted the picture that he was a crazy evil fucked up on me it was you all along I see how you treat me and I guarantee you treated him even worse you want to or why he has so many illegitimate kids around my age and Shane's age and why he used to run to Californiato be with that veterinarian you treated him like shit and belittled him and made him go crazy make you done to me and then when he seat affection elsewhere you claims that he was abusive sheet to you for no fucking reason and that she and I should hate him and have nothing to do with him well I finally saw through your crazy bullshit and hopefully someday before you die you stop treating all men make their your dad who did those unspeakable things to you because were not and I've sacrificed so much for you and giving you so much and taking care Of your house and your farm animals and for you ever since dad left 16 years ago forcing me to grow up and become the man of the house when I was 15 fucking years old and I've never think me for it and you never paid me for it for taking away my childhoodand my teenage years depriving me of so much and putting all your crazy bullshit baggage on my shoulders purposely leaving out your crazy books about being raped molested by your parent leaving them out for me to see your evil one I'm not going to let you ruin Emma if it's the last thing I do. You shouldn't have done this to me and you shouldn't havemost deafly not have done this shit to Emma your pure fucking evil now quit fucking messing with me because guess what two can play at that game is in so he loves money you have a lot more to lose than me and if youeven dare pulling bullshit on me that you tried when I was in jail you're in be a very miserable sad person so just fucking leave me and my family alone and just know as soon as you can this out is at your house where are your life and that will be that"

In Defense of Nu Metal part 1

The year is 2000.  Papa Roach release their first major studio album, "Infest".  Their first single, "Last Resort" is being played on the radio endlessly, and I loved that song as I totally related to it so much blah blah blah.  I found their cd at Target, it was like 8 bucks, I was super happy.  Listened to it on the way home and it instantly became one of my favorite albums, but one track stood out to me more than the others...

Between Angels and Insects

0:08 - Ever wonder why even "cool kids" liked Papa Roach so much? White Adidas shoes, duh.

0:25 - Crusty looking unkempt black nail polish, wonder why he doesn't just take a minute to touch that up... oh, no money.

0:29 - Jacoby Dick (Mr. Dick if you're nasty) doesn't need material things, one glance into those eyes and you believe... ugh.

0:35 - Oh gawd, Dick has a certain charisma and is believable when he stares into the camera... The drummer is uh... well i'm laughing but also creeped out.

0:41 Oh theres a roach, cuz Papa Roach.  This band wanted/wants??? to be called P Roach... Just because you can abbreviate doesn't mean... meh.

0:54 - Nodding along to "coming from within man tell em what you heard" was perfect.  I didn't have any insight or experience on coming from within or know what it means but I sure liked to think that I knew things. Yeah man!

0:56-0:57 - Anyone else amused at this weird thrust maneuver that the bass player pulls off here?  There are some moments in this video that I would probably stare at on loop.

1:02 - Buy ADIDAS. Not diamond rings though, I understand.

1:14 - Point out obvious things that suck, like greed, in a song. People will think you are capable of deep thought.

1:21 - Dick's alternating step dance here is another loopable moment for me.

1:30 - I used to head bang so hard to that little guitar slide and "TAKE MY MONEY" part. I was such a minimalist

1:50 - So everything is nothing, but emptiness is in everything, AND reality is a dream. Thats deep.

1:55 - Meteor doesn't rhyme with void, so use asteroid, who cares. I didn't know what an asteroid really was then, seems hella gay to care about those minor differences right?

2:05 - Spitting water, seems pretty cool.  Take away money and learn a lesson about an organ and something that doesn't exist and other stuff.

2:29 - Wait? What was that mess under his shoe??? goopy blue stuff huh??? Also, I thought typing my responses to this video would be funny.  I was also drunk when I thought that.  Too bad beer costs money.

2:40 - Is he not supposed to notice the Roach on his face?  Does he just not care?  Seems a little weird.

3:03 - His body is a roach house!

3:46 - Wow, the last 45 seconds actually look like a music video! fun camera work and lots of cuts, alternating use of slow-mo.  Don't think I missed the throw-bass-behind-back move either, hella cool.  The least surprising thing is revealed at end of video, Coby Dick has a probably super meaningful Chinese tattoo.  He surely has "life" and "death" tattooed somewhere on his body too.  Like, maybe on opposite arms, like, you know, cuz life and death are opposite things, beginning over here, end over here, ya know.



I listened to this song a lot, I dreaded the idea of working shit jobs for money that wouldn't really make me happy.  I was supposed to grow up and start dressing the way society wanted me to, save up money to buy a fucking diamond ring because someone says thats what adult men do.  Why couldn't I live outside that and deal with different stresses while I rock out to P Roach on my discman?! I don't need that shit!

I can still get into this song, but it's so damn cheesy and asks you to get angry about greed and clocking in for work and I just can't take the band seriously.  I never really meant to defend this song or nu metal in general, just thought to title it "in defense of nu metal" was funny.

Endless Embarrassment

Everything

Conversation With My Former Self (or something)

+Me: Life is a sloppy shit hole, but it's only temporary.  Heaven afterward.

Current_Self: I really can't accept any idea of afterlife.  How can you be so confident in it?

+Me: Faith. This life is just a test.  deal with this shitty shit, be a good person and get rewarded.

Current_Self: Thats fucking stupid.



The end.

Lifelong

I have stuttered for as long as I can remember speaking.  I was in speech therapy from the time that I can remember interacting with people.  Speech therapy was always a part of my life.  Therapy was normally exercises in pronunciation and such, it never really addressed my real issues.  But because of speech therapy that I attended at Childrens Hospital I was able to meet Detlef Schrempf and get his autograph on that fucking jersey...

I drank a few beers to help myself type this blog, i'm typing it cuz I think it will be good for me to communicate openly with my friends.  I am too stupid too remember how to write something that flows correctly from idea to idea, point to point.  So bare with me.  Bear with me.  Bere with me.

A speech therapist that I saw as a teenager (maybe 11 or 12?) helped me to understand that I "wasn't really a stutterer".  I don't remember a lot about this woman, and that seems unfortunate now, but she suggested that I had developed an anxiety over speaking to people and what people see as stuttering is this anxiety coming to the surface.  And when I say "helped me to understand", I didn't really understand it at the time.

I want to make a point in this blog now, I haven't yet.

Probably around 5th grade I started to become self conscious of my speech problem, it was clear that it could be a focus of other kids who could make fun of it and bully me for it.  I was popular enough, so this didn't happen for extended periods of time, but I was always afraid of it.  I took comfort in the idea that my dad had had the same problem and outgrew it, thats a pretty common thing, for people to outgrow speech impediments with a little bit of coaching and some natural maturing...

Fuck, here is me, 26 years old.  Nothing significant about me, still have the same problem.  It kills me to be this old and still not have "outgrown" this, any self confidence collapses to the floor whenever I have to face this reality...

This has kept me from speaking out in class, even from answering questions after called upon.  Kept me from completing some things that I could have in college, has kept me from talking to people that I would probably really benefit from talking to.  I have literally drove through a fast food drive thru and gone home and ate chips... This fucking things keeps me from saying things to all of you all the time.  Most often, the better time that I am having, the least likely I am to say something significant to any of you.  When I am excited about something the anxiety builds and I start having serious issues simply talking... I have mislead all of you.  I have developed bad habits to hide or cope with the problem, the throat clearing thing.  But also at times I will pretend to have forgotten something, because it is so embarrassing for me to sit there silent while anyone/everyone waits for me to speak.

I wanted to communicate something more than this... I'm just more sad now.  But at least it's a start... "Whatever, It Doesn't Matter"

Peace beyond all borders

A poem by jared behreend

Something horrible