Lifelong

I have stuttered for as long as I can remember speaking.  I was in speech therapy from the time that I can remember interacting with people.  Speech therapy was always a part of my life.  Therapy was normally exercises in pronunciation and such, it never really addressed my real issues.  But because of speech therapy that I attended at Childrens Hospital I was able to meet Detlef Schrempf and get his autograph on that fucking jersey...

I drank a few beers to help myself type this blog, i'm typing it cuz I think it will be good for me to communicate openly with my friends.  I am too stupid too remember how to write something that flows correctly from idea to idea, point to point.  So bare with me.  Bear with me.  Bere with me.

A speech therapist that I saw as a teenager (maybe 11 or 12?) helped me to understand that I "wasn't really a stutterer".  I don't remember a lot about this woman, and that seems unfortunate now, but she suggested that I had developed an anxiety over speaking to people and what people see as stuttering is this anxiety coming to the surface.  And when I say "helped me to understand", I didn't really understand it at the time.

I want to make a point in this blog now, I haven't yet.

Probably around 5th grade I started to become self conscious of my speech problem, it was clear that it could be a focus of other kids who could make fun of it and bully me for it.  I was popular enough, so this didn't happen for extended periods of time, but I was always afraid of it.  I took comfort in the idea that my dad had had the same problem and outgrew it, thats a pretty common thing, for people to outgrow speech impediments with a little bit of coaching and some natural maturing...

Fuck, here is me, 26 years old.  Nothing significant about me, still have the same problem.  It kills me to be this old and still not have "outgrown" this, any self confidence collapses to the floor whenever I have to face this reality...

This has kept me from speaking out in class, even from answering questions after called upon.  Kept me from completing some things that I could have in college, has kept me from talking to people that I would probably really benefit from talking to.  I have literally drove through a fast food drive thru and gone home and ate chips... This fucking things keeps me from saying things to all of you all the time.  Most often, the better time that I am having, the least likely I am to say something significant to any of you.  When I am excited about something the anxiety builds and I start having serious issues simply talking... I have mislead all of you.  I have developed bad habits to hide or cope with the problem, the throat clearing thing.  But also at times I will pretend to have forgotten something, because it is so embarrassing for me to sit there silent while anyone/everyone waits for me to speak.

I wanted to communicate something more than this... I'm just more sad now.  But at least it's a start... "Whatever, It Doesn't Matter"