Life, It Doesn't Matter...

A dozen years ago I would have wanted to kill myself, feeling the way that I do right now. I did want to kill myself then, I just didn't have the "guts". I still don't have guts, I also don't know how to communicate an idea without disgustingly overusing "I". But not having the guts is not the reason why I don't commit suicide, it's because committing suicide is stupid.

While I understand that there are special cases where it makes sense to do it, it's fucking stupid. Beyond the ideas of affecting family members and friends and abandoning personal responsibilities, it makes no sense. Forget that idea of other people feeling loss and betrayal and whatnot, what about yourself? You have the opportunity to do so much, not "so much" like being a professional sports player or a scientist or doctor or president, but you literally have so much opportunity for shit. Tons of shit. You can see beauty all over the place, even if you need to turn on a computer or TV to see it. You can manipulate just about anything you want to make art. You can kick a soccer ball at a police car.

Probably an improper start of a new paragraph, but I can do that because i'm alive. Sitting around feeling sad, letting my anxiety control my life. I'm feeling that, i'm choosing to even though I don't feel like I am choosing anything at all. It sucks, I hate it, i'm hating myself. I'm embarrassed all the time. I had another low moment in my struggles with a speech problem... Called Eric the other day, I had to call his "house phone". Then Eric didn't pick up the phone, his mother did, for some reason in my fucked brain I panic and can't talk. Great, complete loss of control. Feelings of being tiny and worthless set in and I put my hands around an xbox 360 controller to occupy them so that I don't repeatedly slap myself in the face instead. Kill myself, right? Thats the only solution, stupid.

I don't have a job, I have tentatively called about different jobs and struggle to talk or not reach anyone at all. I feel worthless, terrified over financial situations, still I can't figure it out. It's like i've regressed in handling my anxiety, but that probably isn't true. I don't think I ever made much progress, I just learned to avoid it better, and hated myself for being covered in sweat when I had to confront it.

Kill myself? If bad things happen to me should I kill myself? If I have no home or car then I kill myself? NOTHING. It's pretty simple, death means nothing. What is worse than being broke jobless and submitting to anxiety? Nothing is a lot worse than that, nothing is, not "nothing is worse than this".

Feeling nothing, ever. Thats dead. Wanting to be dead, don't.